I have always felt like needing others for anything is a sign of weakness. For as long as I can remember I have relied on myself for everything. Unsuccessfully at times, I fear! I am not saying that I haven’t allowed others to do things for me, but I have never allowed myself to become reliant on anyone else. It always seems when I’ve become even the slightest reliant on someone or something, I am always let down. That disappointment is devastating so, I have concluded its better not to rely on others, the ol’ “if you want something done…do it yourself” mantra. However, I have let myself down more times than I ever want to admit.(which is true devastation!) I believe this struggle has kept me from developing deeper relationships with people, caused misguided trust issues, and great confusion in my marriage. I am overwhelmed by my desire to feel needed by others, yet somehow I end up thinking of those that need me as weak. What a mess I am!
So where is the line between fulfilling a need and enabling a weakness? I always start by defining things and I have always thought that I knew what a need was; I mean we need air, water, food, sleep, shelter, money (unfortunately)…basic necessities of life. Yet, if I am honest those aren’t the things that come to mind when I think of my needs. I need God, love, sunshine, music, friends, and so much more (maybe I am too needy); to me these have become basic necessities to living. Perhaps its because I am not starving or homeless, so the basic needs of existence are further from my mind, not that I don’t need them, but I have taken them for granted at this point. Or perhaps it’s because I am more of a philosopher than a pragmatist, I feel like living without these more spiritually connected things would make life so unbearable that I would rather not live. Either way the things I feel essential to my life are things I have always believed I should be able to provide or acquire for myself. My inability to do this is a failure and weakness, a result of my flawed character and something I must overcome. Is it possible my true flaw is holding this mindset? Or is the theory true, and my inability to accept my failure keeping me from overcoming it?